Emotional Intimacy: The One Thing Happy Couples Do Differently

That old couple holding hands in the park shows what matters most for a strong relationship: emotional intimacy. This connection goes beyond physical closeness. Many couples share a home and talk throughout the day but still feel far apart emotionally. If this sounds like you, that’s okay. Emotional intimacy isn’t luck or magic. It doesn’t go away after the honeymoon stage. You can build it anytime with small, daily changes. Once you assess your level of emotional intimacy, you can understand why it matters. At that point, you can learn how you can strengthen your bond through deep conversation. Before you know it, you and your better half will be laughing on a park bench yourselves!

What Is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy means feeling safe sharing your true thoughts with your partner. You can say anything and not fear judgment. Both people feel heard. No one blames or criticizes. When a problem comes up, you both work together to solve it. Think of emotional intimacy as a bubble or a cozy cocoon. No matter what life brings, your relationship becomes the safe, cozy place you share.

What Emotional Connection Looks Like

Even successful couples may lack emotional intimacy. Imagine a couple whose home runs like a well-oiled machine. Shoes sit neatly in cubbies by the door, a chore chart on the fridge is full of check mark. The hallway walls show family photos. It all looks nice and tidy, right? But the daily routine is busy. The partners pass like ships in the night. Their text exchanges are all about logistics:  pickup times, weekly menus, and delegation of tasks. They’re more likely to send thumbs-up emojis than flirty or meaningful messages.

 

Now let’s look at another couple. Maybe their home is a bit messier and they’re not always on time, but they take the time to connect. They share memes, inside jokes, and old photos all day. After the kids are in bed, they cozy up on the couch and talk about their days. Each partner listens and offers sympathy or advice, as needed. These catch-ups often turn into deeper talks, because both feel safe sharing bigger concerns and dreams.

Why This Kind of Intimacy Even Matters

Emotional intimacy makes daily life in a relationship easier, happier, and more fulfilling. But it’s even more important than that! A recent study explores the similar idea of “emotional capital.”  The idea is that all the small positive moments couples share on a daily basis act like an investment. Couples can draw on that investment later for strength, forgiveness, and resilience when times get tough. In this way, emotional intimacy becomes armor that protects your relationship.

Is Your Relationship Lacking Emotional Intimacy?

Take a look at the statements below – do you relate? 

• You aced a presentation at work, but you don’t mention it at home. 
• You feel guilty choosing date nights over chores. 
• You can’t wait for a night with your friends so you can vent. 
• You feel defensive when your partner complains about something. 
• Your texts are logistical, not romantic. 
• You haven’t complimented your partner in a while. 
• You miss the flirting from your early dating days. 
• You want to laugh more.

If some of these sound familiar, you may be lacking emotional intimacy in your relationship. But don’t worry! It’s completely normal for closeness to ebb and flow. Work stress, kids, pets, moving, caretaking—daily life is full of challenges. However, hope is not lost! Once you know what brings couples closer, you can take action. It takes small steps every day to build a stronger bond of emotional intimacy.

How To Build Your Emotional Connection

Now that you know what emotional intimacy is, what can you do? Whether your relationship is struggling or strong, there are daily actions proven to bring you closer.

Emotional intimacy grows when you create positive moments together. Try one of these ideas:

1. Share a video that made you laugh.
2. Go see a stand-up show. 
3. Dress up the dog in a silly costume and take photos (or the cat, at your own risk…).
4. Cook dinner and mix drinks together.
5. Pick up a new activity like pottery or pickleball.
   

These activities might seem frivolous or even like a waste of time when you’ve got work to do or a family to take care of, but having fun together is essential to solidifying your relationship in the long-term.  

The connection between adrenaline and emotional intimacy

If those activities seem a bit tame, ok, fair enough.  Another study favors kicking up the adrenaline in relationships. Exciting activities showed a connection between exciting activities and couples’ experienced relationship quality. Hearing that, we’re thinking anything along the following lines would fit the bill:

• Have your hand at an indoor axe-throwing night.
• Give indoor rock climbing a try.
• Enjoy some friendly competition against each other in video games, trivia, or foosball.
• Sign yourselves up for a 5K and begin training together.

As you break out of your daily routine and step out of your comfort zone, your hearts will be pounding. It might just add some extra excitement to your intimate relationship, too.  Another way to strengthen your bond: express gratitude. Research shows saying “thank you” builds connection and helps couples feel appreciated. Small gestures, like remembering a coffee order or giving advice, deserve thanks.

In other words, don’t take each other for granted!  Two little words—“thank you”—can go a long way.

How Meaningful Conversations Help

And here’s where we come in: it’s time to talk! Having meaningful conversation is essential for emotional intimacy. The famous 36 Questions to Fall in Love study built emotional intimacy—and even romantic sparks!— between two complete strangers simply by having them answer a series of increasing personal questions. 

Why did it work?  

Self-disclosure, or sharing personal things about yourself, activates reward systems in the brain. Scientists compare self-disclosure to an onion’s layers: people reveal more intimate information as a conversation continues. And when one person opens up with vulnerability, the person they are speaking to is encouraged to open up, too. This ends up becoming a safe space in its own. Even strangers can form a bond or even fall in love by simply talking with each other in this way.

But what if you and your partner could fall even more in love by watching movies? A 2018 University of Rochester study showed that couples who watched romantic movies together and had guided discussions afterwards were less likely to divorce.  Talking about the movies gave the couples an opportunity to express their views and values on serious topics like gender roles, conflict, commitment, and fidelity—without fighting or getting too personal.

Science is clear: structured, open-ended conversations help relationships last.

Deepen your emotional connection with Deeply

So how do you get started? Deeply: Couples Edition, of course! Deeply creates conversation cards that are researched-informed, fun, and easy. The Couples Edition is specially designed for you and your partner to sit down and have a positive and low-pressure conversation. We recommend integrating our Couples Edition into your daily routine. It’s easier than you might think. Try a question over morning coffee, while you’re cooking dinner together, or at night in bed before you go to sleep. Instead of vegging, take some time to connect, laugh, and surprise each other with your answers. Deeply is a great way to discover another side of each other!

Is it too late to build emotional intimacy?

Opening up will bring you closer. The surprise and laughter that follow become the bricks in your bond whether you're living in your first place or surrounded by kiddos--or dreaming of that park bench.

It’s never too late to build emotional intimacy. No matter how long you’ve been together, or how you’ve communicated in the past, strengthen your bond today. One meaningful conversation with Deeply is the perfect place to start.